"Start again, buttercup...
oh start again, dear"
I get a bit misty at that part. I've started a lot of things again recently. I can tell you that it's not easy and, if it's a positive thing you enjoy doing, you'd do well to just never stop.
I've looked at this blank page, off and on, since November. For a year before that I didn't even come here. The bookmark was there, and domain paid for, but I felt like I couldn't write anything well enough for it to communicate what I was trying to say. And I wasn't sure that what I did manage to write was worth sharing. It was a repetitive, and negative, violent inner monologue trying too hard to be Tyler Durden sans the benefit of fearlessness or quality time with Marla Singer.
Fearlessness. I'm unskilled at quickly identifying feelings, mostly because my experience of what I think the feeling is often doesn't match the scenario or reactions that I see when others express the same feeling. In the moment, I cry when I'm frustrated and feel indifferent around loved ones I haven't seen in ages. It takes some time and consideration for me to understand and identify what I felt or didn't feel, sometimes hours to years later. I took forever to figure out that I'd stopped writing* out of fear, and out of holding myself to a quality standard that never applied here before (I don't think). I doubted whether I had any fearlessness in me but when I asked friends if they'd ever seen me do anything fearless, I was genuinely surprised to learn that I had, and that blogging was one of them.
I know the fear is irrational and a bit pretentious. But I'm afraid I'll say something I can't take back. And I'm afraid I'll never live up to my own expectations. And I'm afraid it's all shit and no one will say it's shit or never stop saying it's shit. And I'm afraid to be vulnerable and raw despite knowing that I write well when I go to those places and the sky doesn't fall. I'm concerned about telling the truth because I don't know that it is truth, and if it is, I know from experience that it's subject to change. But if it changes was it ever true? What does it matter?
Recently I've seen several creatives I admire discuss "getting out of your head" when it comes to creating things. The general advice has been to just make stuff, be creative, don't worry about what people will think, don't worry about quality... just keep making and learning and enjoying. And while my first thought is that it's easier said than done, let's try nonetheless.
Start again, buttercup...
*Writing being a broad term covering anything from hastily-written blog scrawl to a carefully crafted and edited essay