Just who is that smiley pointy-headed girl? Why yes, that's me at 4 I'd guess, on the old back steps of the family house. My ma reports that I've always been a girl who loved hoods. I remember the shshshsh sound this jacket made, and the way the nylon inside the sleeves was cold when you first put it on.That's what I remember. But is that accurate? Was it made of canvas? Were the sleeves lined? I don't recognize myself in that little happy face... is it even me? She's got my round face, apple cheeks, and tilt to the left.
Going through the family pictures my ma pointed out how I was once long and lean. Growing up I'd get compliments on my legs and not at all understand why. Long and lean. Hmmm. So I was a long and lean as a child but never as an adult. I suppose it's possible. I'm taking some steps to accomplish that and 2009 will be a year of growing pains but it's my hope that all my efforts will contribute to my growing up into a self-respecting happy girl who doesn't need to waste so much energy being on guard all the time.
Case in point... while I was in CA I was out with Ma and Hoot postcard shopping at a local drug store, and Ma pulls us over to the moisturizer aisle to point out some regenerist potion by Olay that is purported to be pretty good. She offers to purchase it for us. Hoot can decline, being a young bird, but I say ok, not wanting to offend* but all the while wondering how I might look at 33 that my Ma is offering to buy me anti-wrinkle stuff. My default is to be defensive. I must've made a joke about it at some point because one morning at the breakfast table, my Ma explains to me that she didn't point out the lotion because of my looking like I needed it, but because when she was young and her mom tried to share moisturizing tips and the like, they were out of reach and expensive (my Gramma has always been a Clinque and Estee Lauder sort of lady). She wanted to point out something good that was reasonably priced. We don't share much in common in the ways of beauty routines (she gets her hair done, wears make-up and decorative jewelry, gets mani/pedi, etc. whereas I don't.) So when my Ma offered to buy me lotion, she was being motherly, not critical. That I read things as critical says more about me than it does about anyone else.
The moral of the story is that being defensive wastes energy and creates an atmosphere of mistrust. Also, the lotion is good, if you like that sort of thing.**
*I'm more of a Kiss My Face sort of girl.
**I'm not likely to buy it for myself (anti-corporate & animal rights issues) but I'm blessed with outstandingly greasy pale Irish skin and a bottle of any kind of lotion lasts forever in my medicine cabinet. It's more symbolic, really, that squat little bottle of white goo that my Ma bought for me.
